I'll Look After You
by MagicallyChallenged
Summary: I'm living in denial, come join me. The airport never happened, theyre in africa... nuff said. Rated M for later chapters
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: I'm living in denial feel free to join me x Dedication to Mel, you sweetie are AWESOME! **

**Africa – Malawi….**

The heat is intense, it's the first thing she notices when she steps off the plane other than the fact that there is no smell of freshly ground coffee, and no constant beeping of cell phones, no symphony of apologies for missed dinners, or promises to be home in time for supper. Its silent, almost eerily silent, her eyes scan the vast expanse before her, gone are the grey towers that plague the street, the rainbow of four wheeled rides are replaced by the dark green hues of the 4x4's as they drive along the red dirt, a dust filling the air. Taking a deep breath she can smell it, the burning, the heat, the danger and her stomach flips as she remembers. Bowing her head and closing her eyes, she exhales and with it she wishes of the thousands of stars she knows she will undoubtedly see tonight that this time it's easier, reaching out for the hand of the smaller woman next to her she squeezes gently, needing this reassurance, needing to feel that kind of comfort because this place, for all its promised miracles, and expectations, this place is hell and she knows better than most there is no changing that.

She was naïve once, she had been a bright, over enthused 26 year old with a passion for life and a need to change the world. She was ambitious, driven and exuded a cockiness that had her down pegged for a place like this, but eventually she softened. Her hard exterior was penetrated by the harsh realities of everyday life, of seas of outstretched hands and swollen stomachs, of tears that threatened never ending and of the sounds of gun fire, as rapid and frequent as car turning onto Main Street in rush hour. It had started well, she had been expecting pretty much everything she saw, she had researched, read every book there was to know about the places she would visit, what to expect, how she was supposed to conduct herself, but what she hadn't prepared herself for was the agonising pain she would feel, arms laden with the weight of a small girl no older than five, her eyes glossing over with the final glimpses of this dreadful world, her life leaking onto the plain white t-shirt that was Callies uniform, staining it in an angry red as she cried for a help that came too late. She wasn't prepared for the feeling that came over her, as she fell to the floor, tears rolling down her caramel face, her eyes wide with a mixture of fear and helplessness, she wasn't here for this, this wasn't supposed to happen. Her job was simple, help provide health care, take a look at a few people suffering from malnutrition, give injections, offer advice on correct prenatal care, she wasn't supposed to see this, to be a part of this… she wasn't supposed to watch her die.

'Calliope, are you okay?' a gentle hand on her shoulder stopped her from remembering any more, but it wasn't enough to change the overwhelming wash of nausea that came over her, causing her to take a deep breath and exhale just as quickly, a nervous jitter taking control of her hands as the started to shake involuntarily at her sides. She nodded slowly, a lie that she would continue to live for as long as they were here, Arizona didn't need to know the dreams that haunted her, she had spent nights crying, lost in Callies strong embrace after the shooting the last thing Callie wanted to do was to ruin the excitement she could see radiating through her lovers smile, or destroy that twinkle in her aqua eyes at the prospect of something miraculous happening, she wouldn't, she didn't have it in her to ruin that, and in that moment watching as the blonde bounce on the spot, her shoulders raising as she grinned largely Callie realised exactly why she had returned to this place, she wasn't here because she selfishly didn't want to be alone, she wasn't here to lend her expertise, she was here purely to protect Arizona, to protect that sparkle that sat in her eyes, to protect that amazingly warm heart, she was here, to protect her future.

'I'm good…' she whispered her voice harsh and throat dry, lifting her hand to her mouth she drank deeply from the water bottle she had clutched the entire plane journey, the wrapper ripped from it in an act of nervousness she tried to hide from the blonde who had sat beside her, sleeping peacefully for what Callie knew would be one of the last times. She allowed the now warm liquid to roll down her throat, eyes closed tight as she said a silent prayer that things would stay as peaceful as they were right in that moment, but she knew wishes were for people who had yet to have their hopes dashed, wishes were for people who still had the ability to believe and Callie, well she had begun to build up her belief but the constant dashing of hopes had left her at an all-time low. She allowed her hand to fall back to her side, turning towards Arizona and smiling so wide her cheeks hurt, nodding as they took a step towards a man approaching, in his hands a sign that read their names.

'Dr Robbins and Dr Torres?' he stated rather than asked, his English pronunciation plagued by his Chichewa accent, they both nodded, he looked down at where their hands sat between them, fingers tangled in one anothers' in a hold he could see was all too comfortable. Arizona noticed him staring at their hands, his mouth agape and holding a breath that she knew contained nothing but bad news. She bit her lip and looked over at Callie, who shook her head and loosened her hold on the blonde, who looked at her in confusion.

'It's illegal here… I can't kiss you, I can't fall asleep with you and I definitely can't hold your hand… I had completely forgotten…' she whispered the latter part of the sentence, her tone sad as she shook her head, dark tresses covering her face, hiding the sadness and disappointment on her face as well as the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. Arizona looked up at their guide questioningly, not truly believing that she was going to have to spend the next few months or possibly years back in the closet, way back in there with the neon leg warmers she wore when she was a child. Their guide nodded, the breath he had been holding now informing her that while hand holding is acceptable in some places they shouldn't do it often as it made them clear targets, he informed them of an aid worker who had not long ago been targeted by a group of locals and who forced themselves on her after finding out she was a lesbian. Arizona looked on in complete shock, her mouth wide open and her gaze shifting to where Callie stood next to her, looking completely dejected her own gaze completely focused on her flip flops. Leaning closer Arizona nudged her gently, a silent plea for her to lift her gaze but the moment she lifted her focus from the floor she knew she shouldn't have, because one simple look was all it took.

'This is why you didn't want me to come here…' she asked, her voice quivering but still holding an authority that Callie would normally have challenged but there was something about this place that took hold of her, grabbed her by the arms and shook away, violently, any kind of attitude she acquired back over the past few years. She shrugged her shoulder, silently admitting defeat to something that was bigger than her, yes this was part of the reason she hadn't want Arizona to come here, but there was so much more to it. The blonde stepped in front of her and allowed her hands to fall between them, fingers entwining with hers as she bend her head to look into Callies eyes again '… why did you come with me? Callie…' anger lacing her voice as she gave the Latinas hands a gentle squeeze before asking once more '… why did you come with me?'. Taking a deep breath and blowing it our between pursed lips she toyed with lying to her and claiming she was in desperate need of sun hours, but she couldn't lie to Arizona, if she even so much as tried her mouth gave over to elongated vowel sounds and a shaking of her head that negated any word that fell from her lips and so she lowered her head, took once last look at normality that their hold on one another encompassed and she started.

'I came here to protect you…'

**X**


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: Chapter 2 for your viewing pleasure, enjoy!**

**Dedication: To Izzy, who literally made my day with her awesome review, You are the only exception!**

I came here to protect you…'

Arizona let her fingers untangle themselves from Callies, stepping back she shook her head not understanding the words coming from the Latinas mouth.

'Protect me? You came here… to protect me', her hands went straight to her waist in an action Callie knew meant she was pissed, angry Arizona meant business when her hands gravitated central and her face fell into the scowl she saw encroaching on her otherwise beautiful face '… what the hell is that supposed to mean? Calliope, we are here to help people, we don't need protecting' she stated, her voice wavering as she spoke the final words. Callie felt her gaze fall to her feet as she took a deep breath and shook her head, this was it, this was the one thing she hadn't wanted to happen, she never wanted to be the one to ruin this for her, this magical image she had in her head of miracles and sparkles, of smiles and rainbows. She didn't to be the one to tell her that for the next three years the only rainbow she would be likely to see, would be if she closed her eyes and used her imagination, or found the resources to conjure one up with coloured wax sticks and paper, and even that in itself would be a miracle. She didn't want to be the one to tell her that the only smiles she would see would have to be worked for. Children here never gave away smiles as freely as privileged kids did, children here knew the true cost and effect of a 'simple' smile, but when they did, it was one of those miraculous moments where you truly felt like you'd done something good. Callie didn't want to be the one, but standing there, her eyes moving between the confused gaze of her lover and the impatient stares of the escort she knew she had to step up. Inching closer to Arizona her hands found the smaller woman's shoulders, forcing her to stand still and listen, her eyes wide as Callie opened her mouth.

'We can talk about this on our way to camp, but you need to look Arizona… I mean truly look… open your eyes, this isn't going to be walk in the park, this place… as beautiful as some places are, as wonderful as some people are… this place is far from perfect, and you can't fix everyone…' she noticed that Arizona was starting to look less confused and more intrigued, she heard a knowing in Callies voice that suggested her experience in Africa hadn't exactly been the best 12 months of her life. She nodded slowly, accepting her words and as Callies grip on her shoulders loosened she found herself lost in those chocolate brown eyes, now drowning in a pain she had never seen before, as Callie continued '… There will be days, you are going to beg me to take you home, and some days you are not going to want to get out of bed but …miracles can happen, here, each day that we go unharmed, and are able to do our work without interruption, those days will be small miracles, and the days you save a kid… the days you really, really fix them… those will be the days that make the bad days worthwhile, but none of this will come easy, you gotta be ready for a rough road.'

Arizona noticed a fear hiding in Callie eyes, as she blinked back tears that threatened to fall, Arizona felt a guilt in the pit of her stomach that told her maybe she hadn't thought this through, and as she raised a hand to wipe at the single tear that had betrayed her girlfriend, watching as instinctively Callie stepped away from her touch, her eyes worriedly scanning the now seemingly crowded airport she felt bad for letting her come. Callie shook her head then lowered her voice to a whisper.

'You can't touch me like that here…' her tone laced with a regret she never spoke, her eyes filled with a fear she was trying so hard to keep under wraps and her heart filled with an unselfish love for a woman she would, and had literally given everything up for. Arizona nodded, shifting the straps of her backpack into a more comfortable position on her shoulders before looking over at their guide.

'Let's go…' she stated, as they turned to walk she allowed her aqua eyes to scan her surroundings, the singular runway now occupied by a taxiing plane, the heat rising in dancing waves from the overheated asphalt. She saw smiling faces on people dressed in colours so vivid she felt a warmth radiate through her body, the light tones of harmonies sang along to the beat of a drum in the distance immediately making her question Callie's negative outlook. She saw people saying their goodbyes and people crying through first hellos, all around her she saw life, and yet the look on her lovers face showed no acceptance of the visions before her. Callie was looking at her hands, staring absentmindedly at the chipped black nail polish that covered her fingernails, trying in desperation to block out any of the images that were seeping into her subconscious but failing miserably as they reached their ride and the familiar banging of a gunshot rang through her ears.

She instinctively reached out her arms, grabbing the smaller woman and threw her towards the street, her whole body covering Arizona like a shield as she fumbled frantically for the handle on the van, hands slipping with the lack of friction from her sweaty palms. She managed to get it open before a second shot rang through the air, and pushing Arizona forward she clambered in after her, noting the swarms of officers now rushing towards the sounds. Closing the door, she watched Arizona crawl to the back of the vehicle, finding a seat and sitting down, her eyes wide with fear and disbelief. Settling herself on a seat just to the left of her she allowed her head to fall to her knees, her hands cupping over her face, shaking with a tremble she thought she had long gotten rid of. She took deep breaths, closing her eyes and trying to concentrate, in and out, in and out, trying to block the images from her mind, trying to stop the endless scream of the small child that echoed in her head, rocking back and forth in her seat trying to erase the image of how the blood just seemed never ending, leaking onto her own clothes, trying to forget that night when she sat by the lake and scrubbed and scrubbed until her hands were numb, blistered, and her favourite t-shirt contained traces of her own blood. She felt her body shake, felt her hands lose the steadiness they had gained over years in a safe surgical institution, it was strange how this place still had the ability to affect her even after all these years.

Arizona saw her rocking, saw the shaking of her hands and heard the simple Spanish words she knew were a whispered prayer coming from her girlfriend and she stood up, not caring who was watching, not caring about being discreet in the least. She moved onto the same chair as Callie and allowed her arms to wrap around her, pulling her head to rest in her lap as her fingers danced through the Latinas thick black tresses and her lips moved to her ear, placing the softest of kisses on her neck before whispering words of reassurance in her ear. After a short while, the soothing whispers of her girlfriend combined with the humming of the engine and the occasional rhythmic bumps in the roads caused the rocking to cease, but the moment she realised what was happening, she began to pull away from the hold she found herself in , her eyes scanning the van and then finding the view out of the window.

She lifted her gaze to the light blue sky, watched as the tips of the grassy trees grazed the surface, never reaching high enough to destroy the perfect stretch of nothingness that hung above them like a teaser of what perfection could be like. She watched with baited breath and wide eyes as they moved away from the built up area close to the centre of the city, moving deeper into the heart of Lilongwe, heading for the Mozambique border where their camp was situated, just south of Malingunde on the outskirts of the reservation.

Callie felt her palms filling and looking away from the window she came face to face with a blue she wished was never ending, offering a small smile she gave her hands a reassuring squeeze before pulling her in close for a hug they both needed to last forever. Smiling softly at the reality of the blondes head against her chest, eyes closed as she listened to the eventual slowing of her previously rapid heartbeat, her fingers dancing gentle circles up the Latinas caramel arms. She closed her eyes, head falling back to the headrest and let out a forced breath as Arizona whispered something about protecting each other. Knowing this was one of the last times she would get to hold Arizona like this, she tightened her grip and buried her face in the blondes shoulder length hair, forcing a smile as she planted a kiss on her lovers head… So much for living the dream.


End file.
